yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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