I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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