i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We are two peas in an std pod
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
