What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
