Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
