tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
