My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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