if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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