At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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