just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
