my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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