if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
