Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
