the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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