Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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