I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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