i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
