Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
