I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
