I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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