Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
