You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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