Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
