obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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