i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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