I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
