I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
