Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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