my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Too much gin, very little bucket
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
