You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
