The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
try to milk me bitch
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