If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
