Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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