Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
