He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
