I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
