I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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