Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
