I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
