how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm bleeding and have questions
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
