I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
