either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
