I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
