the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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