I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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