Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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