There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
