so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
