Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
