idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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