2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
