I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
