I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
